The repercussions of her Bush Week Market Day binge beginning to set in, Abbie Featherstone is reported to have sworn off clubs and societies “forever”.

“I tried debating, but after three weeks of intermittent shouting and binge-drinking, they tried to make me sign up to go to the other side of the world in the middle of exams for some competition no one has ever heard of. Anyone coming on that strong must have something wrong with them,” Featherstone told WORONI in an exclusive interview. “I mean I enjoyed myself, but they supplanted my lexicon with vocabulary that no real person would ever use. My first red flag was when they told me I had to watch videos of debates on Youtube; it was only after four hours of watching that I could follow them. My family began to opt out of talking to me, afraid I would verbally lash out.”

Featherstone’s college friends noticed her dramatic change, and they suggested she take time for something else.

“I joined Oaktree. They seemed lovely. Youth empowering change. Great message,” recalled Featherstone, “but my pile of tie-dye shirts grew and grew, and we hired a van, we travelled the countryside, and I realised that these people became all I knew. I couldn’t concentrate knowing that poverty existed in Australia and abroad. I knew I wasn’t cut out for it when I decided to take the devil’s advocate in a debate:

“’Just lower the poverty line to decrease poverty rates’, I said, and then I realised that I believed it. ‘The Government needs to make themselves look good.’”

Realising her political compass pushed slightly right of Oaktree’s far reformist left, Featherstone again quit.

“I did Interhall Productions, but people started shouting at me when I started belting Hamilton in the shower of the communal bathrooms at 11 o’clock at night. I tried UN Youth and instantly organised an 80-participant conference on abolishing slavery, which I could have sworn had been done in 1860. I did Quidditch, thinking they’d be there for a laugh, but Jesus there were championships and everything.”

“I even left my hall after they roped me into all 13 Arts, and 7 separate sporting competitions. I was beginning to feel burnt out, and my grades were beginning to suffer.”

Featherstone told us she retreated to her share house and invited over a close cadre of friends. Over tea, she recounts her realisation.

“By this point I had at least eight separate societies under my belt. Executive positions, convening, volunteering, interning, charity operating, student politics. My friends helped me come to terms with my subconscious urge to resume build. They asked me to evaluate my priorities and I realised, I came to university to study. That’s what I’m going to do. I’ve sworn off clubs and societies forever.”

Recent reports tell that a letter touting an exclusive rewards program for high performing students has been delivered to Featherstone. She was last seen sending her sign-up fee to the Golden Key International Honours Society, excited by the prospect of public lectures and networking events.