Chaos is an endless openness

of too many vowels in a row

which somehow spills out of our mouths

that makes sense

but doesn’t

It is a lost thought

Or a vacant heart

Or a heart full of so much noise you can’t hear anything

I want to be chaos

Because it is everything and nothing at the same time

It is a clamour, a loud and extended shriek

And it is silent

It is a fucking ocean

And it is fierce

And chaos does not apologise for what it is

For the paradox that inevitably follows

But I do

For doing everything and doing nothing

For being too much or not enough

For caring so much that it hurts –

But I am learning not to

She taught me that

The ocean did

She reminds me that the swirling mess of blue and black and grey and purple is beautiful

She is beautiful because of her chaos, not despite it

And my noise is

Loud and strong and present

It is and it is beautiful

I am beautiful. And terrifying