We all know that students love to follow quirky savings plans. It provides a temporary distraction from the fact that they have dropped tens of thousands of dollars on ‘hopefully’ getting a grad job. Various hip online publications seem to have picked up on this. Too often, we find ourselves inundated with those financial listicles – inspired by Westpac – encouraging us to get a credit card and actually incorporate the phrase ‘side hustle’ into our everyday vocabulary. This article, however, is here to provide you with some completely realistic tips which don’t hinge upon the premise that you somehow have the time to manage an Etsy store and become an Uber driver.

Become a Public Servant’s Personal Pop- Up Village Shopper

The various public servants and lawyers working on Marcus Clarke Street seem to take issue with the fact that there are ANU students at the ANU Pop-Up Village. They want to purchase their $9.50 quadruple shot coffee in peace. They can’t deal with the temptation to eavesdrop upon millennials’ lunchtime orders and calculate the exact number of years they should spend saving up for a house instead of wasting their money on lavish annual trips or, you know, eating.

Well, there’s a solution to their problems. You can offer to remove this burden from the shoulders of some fifty-something grey-faced man who thinks climate change was invented by NASA and is probably named John. He already pays $85 a week for parking, so he’ll cheerfully throw a few fifties your way if you take his special tax deduction credit card and deliver his brunch to him every day. He probably won’t even notice if you shout yourself a Molo’s beer with his money.

Cancel Your Gym Membership

You don’t need to worry about bulking. Your university is forcing you to embark on a Homeric adventure every time you to walk to class. The carbs at the Campus Bakery are literally the only food you can afford to eat. And, hey, the increasing fees hurt a little less when you tell yourself that a portion of them are going to towards the brand new mandatory ANU Taut Leader Bodybuilder Regime.

Start Placing Bets on Who Will Win the Epic Battle Between Pedestrians and Cyclists

The conflict between pedestrians and cyclists has lain dormant for years, punctuated only by the occasional ‘lively debate’ online. Since construction began on campus, the years of pent-up tension have reached a boiling point, and the battle lines now exist at the Pop-Up and that ridiculously skinny bridge that the entire undergrad population is now expected to cross at once.

The cyclists have been strategically handicapping the enemy by running over their toes at full speed making their victory a safe option at 3:2 odds. However, if you’re willing to hedge your bets, there are whispers of a covert pedestrian operation to steal away with the enemy steeds and dump them beyond the Great Fence for the university to repossess.

Accept a Stupol Bribe

You know that one guy in your tute? The one who prefaces every sentence with ‘Well, to play devil’s advocate…’ and sends you an annual message offering fake friendship in exchange for a vote in some miscellaneous campus election? It turns out that he does serve a purpose. Eventually, he’s going to realise that a credit average isn’t going to get him into PwC and that he needs to salvage his resumé before grad job applications close. And if that means stealing his dad’s credit card and engaging in some good old-fashioned election season bribery, then by God that’s what he’ll do.  

Whether they’re paying you to run for a certain position or just paying for your vote, student politicians provide endless opportunities to make some quick cash. Be sure to shop around. Work out how many bribes you can juggle without anyone noticing. Don’t be afraid to contour some bags under your eyes, slip on a shirt that says ‘The Real World Frightens Me and I Will Never Leave the Safe Familiarity of this Womb’ and check out what’s on offer at the PARSA elections. If you’re feeling really frisky, you could even save evidence of the bribes you receive and use it as blackmail material. This will definitely scare the hacks. We all know that corrupt sociopaths get their comeuppance in the world of student politics, and will absolutely not just glide into an admin job at one of the major parties after facing absolutely no repercussions for their consistently terrible behaviour.

Congratulations! You are now financially literate. With these tips, you should be able to save up a substantial amount of cash each semester, only to watch it immediately evaporate when textbook lists are released. Enjoy.