After moving to Canberra for uni, I began to make many friends within the LGBTQ+ community, and have found myself in a predominantly queer friendship circle for the past three years. This openness of sexual proclivities was exciting and comforting to me; to know that my new home was a place that allowed my peers to express themselves. But four years into my university degree, I began to wonder why I wasn’t friends with, or couldn’t at least think of, any out-of-the-closet bisexual men, despite the amount of queer people and specifically bisexual women I know. 

The Pew Research Centre in Australia found that of the LGBTQ+ community, bisexual men were the least likely to be out to those closest and most important to them, with only 12 percent of them being out. Although this number doesn’t necessarily represent the statistics at ANU or Canberra, it does align with my experiences. So why aren’t bisexual men coming out of the closet? 

My preliminary and uninformed assumption was that there was a lack in emotional awareness or acceptance between men, and thus less support for men to come out in general. I imagined that particularly in the case of bisexual men, if you could ‘pass’ as straight throughout high school and university because of past or current female partners, there would be less external pressure and questioning from your peers. There would also be less of a requirement to internally question your sexuality if you were participating in the socially accepted, heteronormative sexual expression. Why engage yourself with emotionally tumultuous questioning of sexual identity if you’re content in your heterosexual relationship? But of course, I realised that I may be forcing an unfair stereotype on men as emotionally stagnant or unsupportive to their peers. To figure this doozy out, I would have to do research.

Considering I wasn’t in a position to ask a bisexual man on the matter, I researched whether my assumptions had a factual basis. Dr. Eric Schrimshaw at Columbia University did a study with 203 closeted bisexual men over the age of 18 to determine why they were afraid or unwilling to ‘come out’. They all varied in their socio-economic status, ethnic backgrounds, and levels of education, but they had all had a same-sex sexual encounter within the past year. 

The study immediately negated my previous assumption regarding a potential internal questioning — these men were not confused about their sexuality. Their hesitations about stepping out of the closet revolved around stigma, ridicule, and the fear of being outed to those they didn’t want to know. It also highlighted the additional sub-cultural pressures that Black and Latino men faced which was keeping them closeted. With a highly multicultural demographic in Australia, we can acknowledge there are additional cultural expectations and implications in the ‘coming out’ process to non-anglo ethnicities prevalent in our country. Although this study was done in the United States, we can see how these ramifications may apply to groups of bisexual men in Australia. 

However, a major factor which affected many bisexual men took me by surprise. Most of these men affirmed a fear of being left by their female partners because of previous same-sex actions or attractions. “Being attracted to men negates masculinity in the eyes of a shit ton of women” was an unfortunate quote associated with the Columbia study.  

Bisexual men and women may face this particular fear of rejection from their partners, regardless of either’s gender, but bisexual women may experience this fear with slight altercation.

As my other bi women friends have agreed, my attraction towards women has predominantly been fetishised by, or is at least attractive to, straight men. Under some circumstances, there was more concern (and likelihood) that my bisexuality was not going to be seen as legitimate by a male partner, rather than a fear of disapproval or disgust from them. But in contrast, the most nonchalant prejudice towards my bisexual friends, and myself, accumulate from interactions with gay or lesbian peers for not being ‘gay enough’, or being under the adjacent assumption that the young bisexual woman is going through a ‘phase’. “You’ll be straight in 10 years,” are comments one may hear, and may not necessarily be untrue. Although there is nothing wrong in a change of sexual identity down the track, having your sexuality renounced once you proclaim it is harmful, even when it’s off-handed comments from within one’s own community. In my eyes, this stems from queer women having to ‘earn’ the partial or full removal of men from their sexual landscape, considering that the only viewing of women’s sexuality throughout recent history has been from a veneer only installed by and for the gratification of men. However, conscious or unconscious dismissal of sexuality is not a reaction bisexual women alone face — it extends to bisexual men and others of the LGBTQ+ community.

With similar fears between bisexual folk, there are some factors which may allow for the sexual liberation of bisexual women, who are more likely to come out. The two that we have inferred are: potentially better emotional support networks, and the reduced harm which comes from a man fetishising a sexually-expanded woman (or at least the idea of a sexually open woman). Some contributing factors which might weigh on men more than women include the tenacious hold that the gendered-stereotype of ‘masculinity’ has on sexuality, and the lack of representation of bisexual men in literature, on screen and as public role models. Despite the rise in ‘queer baiting’ – the incorporation of apparent queer characters or culture in media to appeal to gay audiences – there aren’t many out bisexual men. 

Our differences may be surmised to bisexual men being perceived as ‘too gay’, for their partners or for modern media, and bisexual women being perceived as ‘too straight’. For bisexual women, there is an unrighteous safeguard in being considered as less visibly queer, particularly under certain situations where non-heteronormativity may get you into trouble. Although the invalidation from this guise is bitter, and can be detrimental to one’s mental health when over-lived, it may be a different weight to the invalidation of bisexual men only being seen as gay. 

I could continue to highlight studies which unequivocally detail the importance of being out and accepted within your community (whether it’s big or small), however, in reality, each individual holds their own importance towards their degree of sexual expression. When there’s a lack of bisexual men who feel comfortable in coming out because of potential stigma, there becomes less support networks, whether explicit or not, for those men who do want to come out. There are potential harms to being closeted, including poor mental health, increased levels of depression and anxiety, and more internalised homophobia. However, I can’t consider why in our current day and age, and in a more culturally accepting part of the world, there is a requirement to come out. I would contest that the culture at ANU, at least from my perspective, is progressive enough that one’s sexuality is accepted whether flown proud in the sky or kept for safe-keeping in your intimate circle. It is not everyone’s desire to be explicit in their sexual preferences, which may be the reason as to why I don’t know many bisexual men, rather than there being a distinct cultural inhibitor at ANU. Bisexual men do not owe it to anybody to come out, even if it aids in support and comradery for their fellow queer male friends. However, it is important for us to cross-examine whether the lack of out bisexual men is due to a genuine choice from the individual or because of an unfortunate reception, especially from their close women-relationships. 

Because ANU is a relatively open LGBTQ+ community, unharmful groups of people, queer or not, openly discuss and ‘out’ their friends to a wider circle which is presumed to be a safe and warm environment that will hold such news. This ultimately takes the power away from the individual who may not want their proclivities to be known, even if they are consciously aware that their environment is accepting. I consider this a forgotten practice in an open-community, and although there is no intent of harm from this practice, it may be another reason as to why bisexual men aren’t coming out.