Comments Off on Woroni’s Guide to Armchair Activism
Everyone, it’s 2020. Bigotism is out. Activism is in. But in the age of staying in, how can you help out? The staff at Woroni has got your back. We’ve compiled a list of the top ten most foolproof ways you can pretend to make a change.
Don’t skip Youtube ads. Support independent artists. That million follower mummy-vlogger turned family prankster you secretly watch needs every cent she can squeeze out of that Squarespace/Audiotech/ExpressVPN sponsorship.
Watch RuPaul’s Drag Race. Yass. Queen. Slay.
If someone brings up disability, make sure to add to the conversation with that time you tore your ACL and had to wear a moonboot for, like, a month so you actually get it. Accessibility is important.
Watch half of a documentary on the meat industry and put a picture of the screen on your story. It’s okay not to finish it because it’s a bit confronting and gory and you shouldn’t have to shoulder that, but don’t mention this on Instagram.
Mention your lesbian friend as often as possible. You cannot stress enough how cool you are with it and how cool she is. Bonus points if you can drop into conversation how her girlfriend has a shaved head or mullet.
Only use the disabled toilets when you really have to go or are super drunk. Feel guilty and don’t make eye contact with other bathroom users when you come out of the stall.
Buy your clothes from a thrift store. In dire straits any op- shop will do, but it’s best to stick to expensive vintage boutiques that price up ugly motorcycle t-shirts from the 90s. This is good for your bank account and the environment.
Talk about how you travelled to Southeast Asia on your gap year instead of Europe. The less developed the better. Mention the super poor quality of the hostels you stayed in but how it was worth it. Bonus if you have photos with smiling children.
Own a bicycle with a cute basket. Sure you might only ride it when the weather’s between 17 and 25 degrees and the location is within walking distance, but during those 5-10 times a year you’re so much better than those scum driving cars.
Put the venus symbol in your bio #girlboss.
Comments Off on A Very Objective and Neutral Review of Law Revue 2020
Law Revue 2020 was a harsh reminder that people should stick to what they know, and for law students that is definitely not comedy. I turned up to Theatre 3 on opening night, excited to finally be watching a live performance after months of absolutely nothing. I left the evening lamenting that Covid had not forced their cancellation as it did for Arts Revue, which is widely considered to be the best revue on campus, if not the entire country/world.
While a talented cast would have made the most of expensive flashy costumes and a wonderful stage, the law revue cast only reminded the audience that money can’t buy you talent or a sense of humour. The show’s directors Kate Garrow and Ryan Street promised us “high octane laughs” but only delivered lukewarm performances from hacks like Alex ‘How Many Years Has He Done This?’ Merrick, Georgia ‘I Wish I Stuck to Serious Theatre’ Yuncken, and Sophie ‘I Regret Not Signing Up For Arts Revue Instead’ Tallis. Some audience members who, coincidentally, were on the Arts Revue 2020 executive, commented that they could hear Dan Griess sobbing backstage during the interval. He was reportedly distraught that he was going from such a universally loved rendition of ‘Macbeth’ earlier this year, directed by one of the world’s most sexy and gifted young theatre practitioners, to whatever this was.
The script was highly exclusionary to those who don’t study law, featuring jokes about ‘ethics’ and ‘taking a long time to do your degree’ which are totally incomprehensible outside of the legal profession. There was also a distinct lack of speed racing which was highly disappointing to the hordes of car fans who attended based on the promoted ‘Fast and Furious’ theme of the show.
Allegedly some audience members called the show “delightful”, “brilliantly choreographed”, “fun to watch” with a “fantastic ensemble cast and excellent directing” but this is yet to be confirmed. My advice would be to go see the show out of pity for these law students who lamentably decided to try comedy, although bring a stiff drink if you want the night to be bearable.
Note to reader:
The author of this article has been asked to disclose that she was one of the directors of the 2020 Arts Revue and also the director of ‘Macbeth’ for the Shakespeare Society earlier this year. While many people would be upset that a show they had been working very hard on for a long time had been cancelled, Katie would like to assure the readers that she would never let bitterness about Law Revue influence her (even though it’s objectively not as good as Arts Revue) because she is an incredibly kind, forgiving person.
Find the Law Revue 2020 event page here.
Find streaming tickets here.
Comments Off on Mooseheads Reopens: Introverts Lament
In recent tragic news, hordes of anxious Canberrans are once again being forced to invent new reasons why they can’t leave the house on Thursday nights now that Mooseheads is reopening. Thanks to the global pandemic, nervous introverts have been given respite from the sweaty, over-crowded rooms of sexually charged socialising with people you only kind of know. Now that this brief window of peace is coming to a close, one can expect to say farewell to chilled drinks with friends and a return to the weekly hellish nightscape.
“If it was just Thursday nights, I could probably deal with it,” commented Anna, a chronically stressed undergraduate. “But it writes all the girls off for Fridays too. Who am I supposed to get brunch with? Am I expected to get coffee by myself? And what about Saturday nights? Are they back too? Will my torment never end?”
The reopening of Mooseheads is not all bad, however, with businesses surrounding the nightclub to have a massive boom. Civic Maccas is expecting a mass increase in late-night purchasing of nuggets and hash browns. Similarly, the 24-hour convenience store is expected to cash in on the return of drunk smokers who buy packets of durries to enjoy exclusively on nights out. ‘Can I cop a dart?’ will no doubt soon again be heard echoing throughout the city bus station.
Amina, a college social rep, also sees the positive side of Mooseheads returning, particularly for first year ANU students. “This will give them the opportunity to experience true university life. Finally, these eighteen year olds can wake up to the smell of vomit in the communal bathrooms, phones missing, and with over $100 mysteriously absent from their bank accounts. They can live, first-hand, the complex repercussions of hooking up with as many people from your college as possible. Our natural habitat is healing. It’s going to be beautiful.”
So dust off those white sneakers, pull out your ‘nice top’, and make sure to check on your friend with sensory-triggered anxiety, because Mooseheads is finally back and it’s time to drink irresponsibly.
Think your name would look good in print? Woroni is always open for submissions. Email write@woroni.com.au with a pitch or draft. You can find more info on submitting here.
Comments Off on Breaking News! AFP Introduces New Vetting Process
In response to the current public backlash against police brutality and systematic racism, the Australian Federal Police (AFP) have introduced a new, unconventional vetting process to ensure that no officers are ethical liabilities. The extra security measure will no doubt be familiar to many millennial and gen-z candidates, taking the form of the sorting hat ceremony from the famous fantasy series ‘Harry Potter’.
As in the books, the quiz will sort potential officers into the four houses of the imaginary institution Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Each house is said to embody a different set of characteristics: Ravenclaw = intelligence, Gryffindor = bravery, Hufflepuff = kindness, and Slytherin = evil. Jimmy Whytemann, the director of the AFP, has stated that all houses will be accepted into the police force, however Slytherins will be immediately placed on a watch list as they are more likely to commit hate crimes.
Critics of the proposal asked why the process is even being introduced if the potentially dangerous individuals it exposes are accepted into the force. The agency’s director said that the AFP had a zero discrimination policy and would never refuse people opportunities based on essential elements of someone’s identity, such as Hogwarts house or what type of bread they are based on a Buzzfeed quiz.
The logistics of the process are still being confirmed, but it will likely happen online through the publicly accessible website Pottermore.
According to Whytemann, “We’ve spent a lot of time and money looking into creating an actual real life sorting hat but have not yet succeeded. The main issue is that magic doesn’t exist. That’s been the primary roadblock. But we’re working on it. Pottermore is just going to have to do during the meantime.”
The AFP is hoping that this system will also work to attract a younger generation of officers who grew up reading and watching ‘Harry Potter’. This is particularly important as millennial and gen-z application numbers have hit a record low, with the purported reason being a growing awareness that ‘ACAB’: all cops are bastards.
If this system proves effective, it could signal an impending makeover of the Australian police system. After all, why would you try to upheave a system when you could give it a superficial nod instead?
Think your name would look good in print? Woroni is always open for submissions. Email write@woroni.com.au with a pitch or draft. You can find more info on submitting here.
Woroni is pleased to present a thrilling excerpt from Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling new series: ‘The Tariff Saga’
“I’m the world’s best predator, aren’t I?” ANU made no attempt to hide the bitterness in its voice now. “Everything about me invites you in—my international reputation, my location, even my SELT reviews.” It was all so much overkill. What was the point of its urban campus charms and lures? Why couldn’t it have been as repulsive on the outside as it was on the inside? “As if I need any of that!”
Now it felt out of control, but not in the same way. All its love for education and idealism was crumbling to dust, a thousand centuries of profit stretched out in front of it, and it didn’t want to pretend anymore. If it could have no happiness because it was a monster, then let it be that monster.
It was on its feet, racing like her heart, in two tight circles around the edge of Kambri, wondering if she could even see what it was showing her. It jerked to a stop where it’d stood before. It was going to show her why it didn’t need a pretty marketing campaign.
“As if you could outfund me.” It laughed at the thought, the grotesque comedy of the image in its head. The sound of its laugh bounced in harsh echoes off Harry Hartog.
“As if you could hold enough protests to fight me off.” The bitterness disappeared from its voice. The little tantrum had cost it no energy, but it had drained some of its ire.
“Don’t be afraid,” it begged in a whisper. “I promise—” No, that had become too casual a word.
“I swear only 6.7%. Every 5 years. Don’t be afraid.”
Read more here.
‘The Tariff Saga’ is soon to be available at all major booksellers. RRP $467 p/week.
Think your name would look good in print? Woroni is always open for submissions. Email write@woroni.com.au with a pitch or draft. You can find more info on submitting here.
Comments Off on ANUSA Election Kerfuffle Exposes Extent of Russian Interference
In a revelation that is unsurprising to ANU’s political elite, the ANUSA election has been disrupted thanks to the controlling influence of nefarious political actors. Woroni can exclusively reveal that Russian interference at ANUSA has once again reared its ugly head.
While the details of the fiasco are unfolding, Woroni’s sources on the inside have told us that the Kremlin is directly involved.The Russians have a track record for interfering with the democratic process in Western countries. After meddling with the 2016 US Presidential election, the 2020 ANUSA election was a logical next hit.
What are their motives? Do they want to prevent one of the many unmemorable tickets from winning? Do they want to distract from their own domestic issues? Is Mr Putin simply bored? We’re not sure, but we all know that our self-important stupol hacks are flattered by the attention.
Whatever happened, the AFP and other more nebulous alphabet agencies are currently investigating ANUSA and its members – which, to be frank, is long overdue.
More to come.
For more like this, follow @defundworoni on Instagram.
Think your name would look good in print? Woroni is always open for submissions. Email write@woroni.com.au with a pitch or draft. You can find more info on submitting here.
Woroni can exclusively reveal that Russian interference at ANUSA has once again reared its ugly head.
Society always seems to be on the brink of revolution. Historically, the forefront of these movements has often been centred in the enthusiastic and idealistic visions of university students, eager to feel they have ignited real change. So how can ANU students create the momentum of their own revolution? Or a least a student discounted version?
Methods such as protesting, petition drafting and giving unsolicited lectures on ANU confessions are all within the arsenal of the average student. However, I propose a far more radical, cost effective and campus-wide revolution. The solution is simple: the fitting of revolving doors. Once installed, we can create countless revolutions per day.
Consider if one was tired of chivalry and the daily posturing of the patriarchy? Problem solved. There is nothing that screams gender equality more than a revolving door. No-one stands aside to let others pass. Everyone is equally confused about when is the right time to enter. Without the etiquette of male-dominated entrances, institutionalised sexism will be swiftly shown the door.
Anxious that our world could soon be depleted of natural resources and our atmosphere polluted with greenhouse gases? One could lobby endlessly for decisive political action. Alternatively, revolving doors immediately reduce the drafts and heat lost to the surroundings, lowering heating and cooling costs in buildings. These savings leave the University’s pockets full and keep your green guilt at bay! Not to mention the benefits to recycling. An old idea would simply take another turn, before being welcomed in as new.
The possibilities are endless. Removing straight-sliding doors in favour of the fluid motions of revolving doors would surely confront homophobia. For minority groups discrimination would be ended. Glass ceilings could be recycled into glass doors, demolishing institutionalised barriers at every turn. Even on such issues as social distancing, revolving doors prevent unnecessary social interactions. Whatever revolution you would like to see, this multidimensional doorway can be spun to suit your cause!
I admit there may be doubts about the real change instigated by these mini-revolutions. You may ask whether this can really be described as progress rather than just spinning in meaningless circles. Has a self-congratulatory fervour left us too dizzy to see the core issue? Are we focusing on the finishings rather than reconstructing the foundations?
I see this as nonsense. Imagine how much more efficient the French Revolution would have been with revolving doors. Storming the Bastille would have been a breeze. As a bonus they could be used as a guillotine in a pinch. Think of the speed with which the Cultural Revolution could have taken place. Surely there’s nothing better to block the power and influence of older generations than a high velocity spinning door! Despite all this, there does lie an undeniable possibility that with these doors, like with any revolution, there’s every chance you might just end up right back where you started.
Think your name would look good in print? Woroni is always open for submissions. Email write@woroni.com.au with a pitch or draft. You can find more info on submitting here.
How would you explain revolution to a child? The word has several meanings and nebulous connotations. A good way to begin would be visual imagery. Young children typically struggle with figurative explanations, and older children are notoriously superficial. School history textbooks often contain depictions such as the storming of the Winter Palace or the Reichstag Fire. This is presumably because the infamously capitalist educational publishing industry understands the preferences of schoolchildren. They want to see violence, blood, impassioned speeches, fire, dishevelled mobs, and – above all – drama.
Australia’s own history of revolution is comparatively sparse, and its legacy rather more symbolic than substantial. The blazing white Southern Cross flag of the Eureka Stockade is a vivid symbol recalling one such moment in our history. It’s no wonder that it is a favourite topic to be briefly mentioned and immediately forgotten in school classrooms: it birthed a cool flag. How is that event explained to children? From what I recall from my school history classes, it had something to do with angry Irishmen. That seems to be a recurring theme of British imperial history. But do our children actually understand it, and what the Stockade meant for our democracy? Few of us could identify that the Stockade was a pivotal moment in the fight for suffrage and workers’ rights, but I daresay many more would associate it with binge drinking No Voters on Australia Day. Incidentally, Americans have a similar proclivity to celebrate the flags of rebel movements, though their rebel flag of choice is probably a tad more morally dubious.
Important as the Eureka Stockade was for democracy and the labour movement in Australia, it overshadows the colourfully named Rum Rebellion in our school curricula. The only successful coup d’etat in Australian history, the Rum Rebellion saw the New South Wales Corp, military arm of the nascent colony, overthrow and banish the notorious Governor William Bligh. Assuming the alliterative name is insufficient to inspire a cursory Wikipedia search, the gist of the Rum Rebellion was that Bligh, already famous for having been thrown off a ship, was forced by a corrupt state institution to leave Sydney on a ship for disrupting the equally infamous John MacArthur’s illegal merchant monopoly in New South Wales. It is a testament to the failings of our education system that the two critical lessons of the Rum Rebellion are lost on our schoolchildren: firstly, that there is a long history of capitalist corruption in our country; secondly, that Australians do terrible things when deprived of cheap alcohol.
It is a shame that our children miss such important lessons from history. They are rather more inclined to focus on the flashy elements of history; as it happens, this inclination is not limited to children. One has to only read a cinema programme or briefly scroll through their streaming app of choice to observe how history has been commodified by Hollywood executives who command small armies of underpaid writers and filming crews from their golden palaces on the cliffs of Malibu. The greedy elites of Hollywood need only lift a finger, and every television screen in your vicinity will blaze with increasingly expensive reenactments of D-Day or episodic portrayals of the sex lives of British monarchs.
Is this what we want? One rarely sees productions of the struggles of coal miners, or hospital workers, or of oppressed women and minorities, or of the working classes. It’s all glitz and gore – we instead are bombarded with steady streams of works glamourising the lives of royals and aristocrats. We all know what Marie Antoinette supposedly remarked upon learning that her impoverished subjects had no bread to eat – but what did those starving French peasants cry in their dying breaths? We don’t know, and we certainly won’t learn from a star-studded Netflix show. The silencing of lower classes is sickening, and cannot be seen as anything else but plutocratic propaganda.
The threat to future generations is twofold. The media hides the iniquities of history from our children, and it is conspicuously clear that our education system is failing in its presentation of the brave actions of revolutionaries. The media’s deleterious effect on the education system is palpable: not only do our schools marginalise the voices of the struggling working classes, they cannot even conduct Year 12 examinations without poisoning the innocent minds of our children with blatant revisionism. Even while I was at school, the bourgeois institution which conducts Victoria’s VCE examinations shamelessly included an altered version of Nikolai Kochergin’s Storming of the Winter Palace in the 2012 History of Revolutions final exam. The alteration made to Kochergin’s illustration was the insertion of a 100-foot tall mechatronic battle robot.
A call to action has emerged. The quality of education in Australia is unacceptable. Our young students are not being taught about the oppression of the landowners. They are not being taught about the excesses of the clergy and aristocracy. They are not being taught about the potential for a utopia, free of the shackles of class and wealth. They are being taught about robots.
The truth is clear. We must re-educate our children.
Think your name would look good in print? Woroni is always open for submissions. Email write@woroni.com.au with a pitch or draft. You can find more info on submitting here.
It’s a turn of events that will no doubt revolutionise speech-writing for years to come. Danny Roberts, aged nine, has taken out the top prize in the North Canberra Public Speaking Awards: Primary School Division, without turning to the Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary. When asked about this bold decision, Roberts stated that he simply didn’t feel as if the terms “journey” or “destination” needed explaining. His competitors clearly did not feel the same, with four out of six of them opting for the classic opener.
Danny’s parents were excited about him taking the gold, with one witness claiming that they actually stood up and clapped politely when he won.
“We’re just so proud of him,” commented Mum, Seher. “Danny’s always been a bit slow. It’s good to know he can string a sentence together.” Danny’s older sister, Maya, refused to attend the event or comment on his win on the grounds that, “it’s not that impressive anyway.” Maya’s lukewarm reception may be a result of lingering humiliation regarding her failed entry into the competition three years earlier, with the teenager only receiving a participation ribbon.
Other notable moments from the day included one attendee mixing up her palm cards and improvising the last half of her speech in tears. Another sang three lines of Katy Perry’s smash hit ‘Roar’ to close her oration. Audiences remain unsure if this musical interlude worked for or against the contestant, though all agree that it was definitely memorable.
The next round of competition will be Canberra-wide. The topic has yet to be announced, but thrilling rumours suggest that it may be ‘Peer Pressure…For Good?’ or ‘Cyberbullying: Why It’s Bad.’
Further updates will be posted soon, including confirmation of which church hall the exciting event will take place in and if the entry donation is gold-coin.
Think your name would look good in print? Woroni is always open for submissions. Email write@woroni.com.au with a pitch or draft. You can find more info on submitting here.
Comments Off on How to Identify a Gay or Lesbian Person
Before you begin your Freudian psychoanalysis, make sure to mention that you have a ‘gay-dar’, and don’t forget to detail how accurate it is and has always been. Frame it as an insurmountable achievement of yours. After all, it is much more prestigious than being awarded a Rhodes Scholarship. There’s no need to think about the reliability or accuracy of your data collection because you don’t have any, so just launch straight in.
Not everybody can be a gay or lesbian. There is a specific skill to identifying those of us who are. Here are some tell-tale signs that someone is a gay or lesbian:
The first thing to take note of when deciding someone’s sexuality on their behalf, namely whether a man is gay or not, is to observe how high-pitched their voice is. The more high-pitched their usual speaking voice is, the more likely it is that you are talking to a gay person. This is because the pitch of your voice has nothing to do with biology: it’s actually determined by your sexuality. Forget what scientists say – they’re all just conspiracy theorists, really.
The second hint to take note of is if they use excessive hand gestures, then they must be gay. The key to this one is that if you’re a man who is attracted to another man, you’ll tend to move your hands around more than the average person when speaking. This is evidenced by how the branches of trees tend to move around more outside in the wind than indoors. It’s the same logic as why witches, like Connie Booth, will weigh as much as a duck does. These species of human beings also tend to be well-groomed, wear strong cologne and enjoy going to gay bars. Just look at Christian Stovitz. How wrong can you be when the suspect is exactly like the gay man in Clueless? The answer is: not very. Hollywood is basically the comprehensive encyclopedia to understanding the diversity of minority communities within our society.
As for spotting lesbians, they will more likely than not have short hair, refuse to shave and wear bras, as well as be a part of the feminist movement. They also enjoy declaring their distaste for penises every five minutes of any conversation about politics, the economy or quantum physics. They graze in small herds and tend to be too busy reading The Vagina Monologues and braiding their underarm hair to care that you don’t think the patriarchy exists. Lesbians also commonly have tattoos and piercings on every ten square centimetres of skin surface area. She’s got a tongue piercing ? Definitely a lesbian. This is a flawless application of modus ponens logic; you should be proud, you’re halfway to a hypothetical syllogism.
Remember: brainwashing is a good thing. You’ve got to give it a good scrub. But don’t forget to dab it dry afterwards, or it won’t make that squeaky-clean sound when you rub your endless knowledge into it. If others are sounding convinced, be impressed with yourself, it’s not easy to be a human and a washing machine at the same time.
Now, continuing with your analysis: if they’re not white, then they’re probably not gay or lesbian. Just take a look at Legally Blonde, Modern Family, Glee, Orange is the New Black, Girls, Easy A, and the list of films and tv shows with homosexual side characters go on. All the gay and lesbian characters are white. So, if you’re someone of colour, how can you possibly be gay or lesbian? Don’t be too caught up in diversity; remember that every characteristic of a person is an obvious hint to the mystery of squeezing them into a category of gender, ethnicity or sexuality.
The last rule to successfully identifying a gay or lesbian is if they don’t have hair dyed in the colours of the rainbow and have a ‘marriage equality’ sign permanently stapled to the palm of their hand, then they’re probably not gay or lesbian. They may be bi, pan or queer*, but not homosexual. If Hollywood says that sexuality is a gay man or a lesbian woman’s defining characteristic, then it is.
Unlike their heterosexual peers who come from diverse backgrounds and have a plethora of personal interests intricately woven into the fabric of their lives, the life of a homosexual will revolve around their sexuality. According to Hollywood, it will run something like this – you’ll spend the first several years of your life struggling to realise that you’re not straight, and then the next few years coming out and waiting for people to accept your ‘new’ identity (that was never really new). Then, you’ll spend the rest of your life doing something that revolves around being a homosexual. Because, god forbid that, homosexuality is not the only aspect of your vibrant identity as a gay or lesbian. So, if you know someone whose life sounds a little like this, then they’re probably gay or lesbian.
You know you can be sure that someone’s a homosexual when they fit all of these descriptions. It’s not like any three-dimensional person could fit into your one-dimensional description of a gay or lesbian. After all, they are a minority, so it’s pretty uncommon to see one around. The only reasonable thing to do is to assume everyone is straight until they perfectly fit this description. Don’t acknowledge that people can have other qualities and interests outside of your understanding of them. It’s too much for the brain to handle on top of having to figure out what you’re going to do with the rest of your life after university.
When you are concluding your final analysis, be sure to present yourself as a hero. Without your wisdom, how would the rest of us be able to identify those of us who are gay and lesbian from those who are not, end world poverty, eradicate all human rights abuses and prevent our globally warming planet from descending into chaos? The rest of the world is thanking you for your insightful analysis, so don’t be afraid to show it off to the next person you meet.
Think your name would look good in print? Woroni is always open for submissions from ANU students. Email write@woroni.com.au with a pitch or draft. You can find more info on submitting here.