As someone who makes a habit of verbally degrading those around me, I find dirty talking effortless. If a partner asks me to, I can pretty much just improv it. If they like to be shamed: “you’ve got terrible financial management and you spend way too much on online shopping” or maybe, “your grandma has been such an important person in your life and you don’t call her nearly enough given everything she has done for you.” Or if they want me to put myself down… “I only ever won the participation ribbons in little athletics, never a real one” or perhaps, “I once accidentally gave a homeless man slightly more money than I intended to and I awkwardly asked for some of it back.”And then, 99% of the time, they orgasm explosively. 

But not all of you are as lucky as myself, a sage and sensual wordsmith. So to make the most of your sexy times, I have compiled a short collection of my favourite naughty whisperings from famous historical figures, to get your creative and other juices flowing. There’s a line for every sticky situation you could possibly end up in! 

“I am the punishment of God… If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you.”

— Genghis Khan 

Great way to set the tone when you know they want to be punished like Daddy Genghis punished the Khwarazmian Empire for killing his emissaries.  

“Preparation, I have often said, is rightly two-thirds of any venture.”

— Amelia Earhart 

Ever had a sexual partner get a little excited and rush past the foreplay? Next time, bring out this gem of a quote to gently steer them back in the right direction.  For bonus points, if you ever find yourself in a premature ejaculation type situation, “Anticipation, I suppose, sometimes exceeds realization.” Thanks Amelia! 

“Here I fuck, for I can do no other.”

— Martin Luther 

YASS, sex positive Reformist king!!! 

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

— Nelson Mandela 

Do you or a partner have trouble staying hard? Remember this great line for when a quick pep talk is necessary. 

“Finger lickin’ good.”

— Colonel Sanders 

If you say this to someone whilst performing oral sex on them, they will cum so hard they cry.

“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Forget to put a towel down and got period blood everywhere? Use this quote to lend the whole thing a vague air of meaningfulness.  

“Life is trying things to see if they work.”

— Ray Bradbury 

We’ve all sucked someone’s toes and then had to sit there awkwardly afterwards with the obvious fact that neither of us were actually into it. Now, you know exactly what to say to explain yourself, freak! 

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

— Maya Angelou 

Had a one-night stand and in the morning one or both of you can’t remember the other’s name? Hit them with this one on the way out to lend some grace to your exit. 

“Hey, don’t look at me. Eat my tits!”

— Borat Sagdiyev 

Sometimes in the bedroom, it’s best to be direct! 

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, ‘I’m possible!”

— Audrey Hepburn 

Unsure how to get that big mac truck parked in that little garage? Spruce up your willpower and determination with this handy quote! And lube. 

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”

— Confucius 

For when your partner is getting tired and you need to whisper a little morale boost to keep their ocean in motion.  

“If you’re offered a seat on a rocket ship, don’t ask what seat! Just get on.”

— Sheryl Sandberg 

For when there’s some hesitancy about the strap on. 

“I would rather die of passion than of boredom.”

— Vincent Van Gogh 

For when you’re chasing multiple orgasm glory and your partner starts voicing concerns about your hydration levels. 

“Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.”

— Gloria Steinem 

Unsure how to explain your wet dream to the person who woke up next to you? Turn this embarrassing incident into some raunchy foreplay with one simple quote! 

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So, throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore, Dream, Discover”.

— Mark Twain 

Anal. 

Originally published in Woroni Vol. 72 Issue 5 ‘Cum As You Are’

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