It seems, these days, that there is a new kind of interior accessory taking over student rooms. It is neither an Ikea faux sheepskin rug strewn artfully over a desk chair, nor clear acrylic stationery. Rather, the latest room addition, sought out by both green thumbs and plant murderers alike, is the humble indoor plant.

From succulents to ferns and everything in between, these green bundles of joy are a common sight in many a dilapidated student dorm or proudly rented first-time share house.

But why do we young folk seek so earnestly to bring elements of the outside world in? Why allow nature to infiltrate our blanket-insulated, scented-candle-permeated, Netflix-saturated abodes? Just as there is a plethora of foliage out there for purchase, there is a vast array of reasons for acquiring one. For those who have already abandoned all hope of decisiveness for the academic year, here follows a plant matching guide…

For the Loner – Orchids

Are you finding that plant owning is merely an attempt to channel your suppressed desire for human affection into caring for an inanimate object that won’t reciprocate your tender loving care? Try not to or-kid (haha) yourself – that special someone may be a long way off.

At least your financial investment into this relationship will pay off, with orchids living longer than any measly Tinder fling. For the price of a dinner for two, and with only minimal watering, you can have your own fragrant companion – who needs pheromones anyway?

For the Pessimist – Peace Lily

Are you completely overwhelmed by the state of the world and feeling utterly powerless to combat it? Have no fear, for the perfect plant alternative is here.

Hopefully, by caring for this small arbiter of tranquillity, you too can locate some kind of inner peace. Just maybe, even, it could help to quell that constant nihilist interior monologue. In addition, as you are someone who just has so much to give, this plant will appreciate your regular overwatering, being partial to continual saturation.

For the Broke – The Chinese Money Tree

Are you struggling to stay afloat between Centrelink payments and wincing at every automatic rent deduction from your transfers account? Rumoured to bring prosperity in Chinese Feng Shui tradition, these leafy friends can ward off future unexpected expenses and act as a constant warning against frivolous spending.

Furthermore, this plant’s need for sunlight will force you to open your windows and let in some rays, thereby not requiring artificial lighting – you’re practically saving money on your electricity bill!

For the Flake – The African Violet

Are you finding yourself overstretched, undernourished and unenthused? Like your wavering commitment to friendships, your attention to your plants may be similarly poor.

Have no fear, however, as this trooper is known to survive weeks without watering over the summer break. Unlike the demanding gal pal, this beauty will be very forgiving and bounce back from a lack of maintenance in no time! Perfect for those who have resolved to do the absolute bare minimum in as many activities as possible.

For the Vanilla – Chilli Plant

Are you battling through an extended dry spell or finding that your sex life is less than exciting? With a little added ~spice~ from this dangerous yet enlivening friend, you too could find yourself in need of a good fanning down.

Instead of a fifty-shades style pleasure room, these plants prefer a different kind of heated space, with sunny windowsills and greenhouses working best to support growth. Be sure, however, to keep the compost moist rather than soaking wet – it is possible to have too much of a good thing.

For the Standoffish – The Succulent

Are you sick of people judging you for your prickly exterior before they get to know your soft interior? These tenacious little guys are known to bring a smile to even the most rigid of resting bitch faces.

With their preference for soil as dry as your sense of humour, the humble cactus makes the perfect desktop accessory and assignment companion. Its sharp edges can also be used as a defence mechanism against unwanted social interaction. Bonus points for picking one up that’s haphazardly planted in a food can from a hipster market stall.

For the Wannabe Artisan – Herb Garden

Are you growing tired of consuming the same few carb-heavy meals on repeat? With a windowsill herb garden, the options for customising your key staples are endless.

To easily incorporate a dash of ‘le cosmopolitain’ into your tap water, add a sprig of mint. Same goes for parsley in your eggs and basil in your salads. Best leave coriander off the menu, though, as that plant is just way too divisive. Better to mildly impress your friends with something more mainstream than to leave them with the taste of soap in their mouths.

As you can see, it is certainly worth having nature infiltrate our blanket-insulated, scented-candle-permeated, Netflix-saturated abodes. Hopefully one of the above suggestions will inspire you to become one of the many plant guardians flourishing on and around this campus. After all, who doesn’t enjoy a good trip to Bunnings…