14 years after their divorce from ANUSA, the Woroni Board of Editors have realised that life really has never been the same since the split. Being forced to report on SRCs and routinely talk to StuPol hacks without having any actual power has finally gotten to them.

Presenting: Rush for ANUSA 2024. *insert Charli XCX and Chappell Roan joke here*

Charlie Crawford (Editor-in-Chief), well known ANUSA wonk*, is convening the ticket and running for ANUSA President. Crawford is running on a platform of putting Red Bull in the Marie Reay water fountains and permanently muting those people in course group chats who ask questions you can find on the Wattle page.

Sarah Greaves (Deputy Editor-in-Chief) is the ticket’s pick for Vice-President. When asked what drew her to the role, Greaves expressed a desire to change the BKSS “I’m sick of all this off-brand bullshit, I want real Nutri Grain”. Greaves also cited the role as VP as a good opportunity to grow her LinkedIn network.

Raida Chowdhury (News Editor) is running for NUS Delegate, on a groundbreaking platform of vowing to abolish the NUS once and for all. She cites her experience live tweeting NatCon 2023 and being pestered by political party hacks as “one of the worst weeks of [her] life”. Her approach to bringing down the almost 40 year old national association remains nonetheless unclear.

Arabella Ritchie (TV Editor) is the ticket’s candidate for Treasurer. Her policy involves abolishing ANU Observer, and buying an ANUSA Boat to match the Ute. When asked about their platform, which is sure to be controversial, Ritchie said “ANUSA boat parties would slap”.

Jasmin Small (Art Editor) is Rush’s Clubs Officer candidate. She promises to allocate the entire ANUSA budget to Clubs. When asked whether the rest of her ticket is onboard with such a sweeping change, Small declined to comment. 

Claudia Hunt (Content Editor) is controversially running for both Education and Welfare Officer. When asked what prompted the bold decision, Hunt responded “do people even really know the difference anyway?”. 

Bella Wang (Communications Editor) is the natural pick for General Secretary – in their media release the ticket claims that the whole role of the General Secretary is to communicate things. Wang vows to abolish all general meetings, following the trend of shortening meeting times because people are snowflakes and too busy.

Cate Armstrong (Radio Editor) is running for Undergraduate Member of ANU Council (UMAC), bucking the trend of presidential candidates being the typical pick for the role. If elected, she promises to livestream all ANU Council meetings on Woroni Radio. When asked what stood out to her about the role, Armstrong responded “I heard council members get a parking spot right near Kambri”.

Phoebe Denham (Managing Editor) has recused themselves from running as they fear it would be a conflict of interest. Famous ANUSA hack, Denham did not want to get involved this StuPol season, and declined a media comment. They promise to hold down the fort at Woroni and position the Association well for when the two organisations inevitably remarry. 

It remains to be seen what this means for the future of Woroni SRC Tweeting, and for journalistic integrity on campus generally. 

Voting opens at 9am on the 30th of September. Check your university email for more details.

*wonk: a person who takes an enthusiastic or excessive interest in the specialised details of a particular subject or field, especially political policy.

#satire