I sipped my coffee as you walked beside me.
It was 5am and the dawn was behind me
But the only vision I could see was you
As you glided along, admiring the view
Of the park as if you were new to this town.
At that moment, my life turned upside down
Because everything had changed. Finally, my heart
Was full of love. This was my new start.
You held my hand and I just couldn’t stop
The smile that lit up my face as I dropped
My coffee all over the pavement, then you
Laughed until your sides split in two
And now, at the end, as I sit by the side
Of the bed where you, my first love, had died,
I remember that coffee. I remember that dawn.
I remember that nothing is ever really gone.
After weeks of circling between sober and hungover, trying to figure out what went wrong between Trevor and him, Jared finally threw the idea of “Karma” into the dustbin. He cleared away all the mess of the apartment, as well as the mess of himself, and spent nearly half of the credits he had earned in this town. He used them to buy a ticket to the Temple of Sacrifice, to put an end mark on his 23 years of virginity and isolation.
‘It’s about time,’ he said and confirmed the payment on his smartwatch.
Just like those two singing sisters in “Frozen”, the gates of fate were opened by guardians. For him. “For the first time in forever.” And contrary to what he had originally thought, this place looked more like the castle from Beauty and the Beast, run-down on the outside, but still spectacular and elegant on the inside, rather than like a random underground kinky SM Hotel. He walked through a place called the Gallery of Sex, where dozens of oil paintings bloomed in their own unique form. They showed cavemen having intercourse with cavewomen beneath a multitude of shining stars, a muscular teenage boy “shooting off the plane”(meaning “boy masturbation” in Chinese slang) in front of the MacBook 2077, male turtles enjoying the eternal bachelor days at the seashore, and TV industry workers shooting their orgy in Sense 8 for the eighth time. Every piece suggested the grand harmony of life itself.
‘Please select your preference, Sir,’ said the Al Butler.
He had waited for him at the terminal of the gallery for a long time. Jared looked around and saw four exquisite doors. They were sapphire, gold, crystal, and white jade to mean straight, gay, bisexual and lesbian.
‘What if I were asexual, Mr Carson?’
He had asked a smart question, or so he thought.
‘Then I guess you wouldn’t have to be here, Sir,’ the butler replied gently. ‘Besides, everybody has a desire for something – truth, love, fame, anything you can imagine.’
Then the butler opened the golden door for him without knowing his so-called “choice.” Four doors and four colours. The gold one was decorated with the sword of Gryffindor from Harry Potter, the skyscrapers from The Great Gatsby, the battle scenes of the Greek god Apollo and the roses of Highgarden from Game of Thrones. He wondered what kind of surprise was behind these cheesy symbols of male reproductive organs. Seconds later, a mixed feeling of satisfaction and loneliness arose within him. The Hall behind it was neither a boring pub nor a hideous wedding banquet. Instead, it was a library without the archmaester. Billions of books were quietly stored on shelves that reached the top of the sky. Young footmen were quietly sweeping the dust, stone plus the kindle, fire dancing with blood. This image had gone beyond all of the trashy VR games Jared had ever played.
‘This is brilliant,’ he said.
There’s a golden rule from Asian Yaoi Culture:
Since the dawn of time, a blonde boy and a black-haired boy have always been the perfect match.
Through thousands of readers, he finally found that perfect guy: short blonde hair, green eyes, barely taller than him, fit and cute. The lad was reading Jared’s favourite book at the corner of the tables: A Song of Ice and Fire: A Clash with Kings.
‘Valar Morghulis.’ Jared greeted him in the old-fashioned way that the characters in the book did.
‘Valar Dohaeris,’ the boy replied with a gorgeous grin. He continued to read the chapter of his one true king: Renly Baratheon with his Knights of the Rainbow.
‘Why do you like Renly?’ Jared said.
‘For his equality, my lord. Nothing comes without a cost.’
That was absolutely true. A straight friend had once asked Jared a similar question. He had replied to Jared, ‘equality and freedom had never been given by the majority who already owned them. They require courage, struggles or even blood. Sometimes, it’s not a bad thing to be too progressive.’
He followed the green light. The boy grabbed his hand and went into an inner room with a lonely sofa. Guided by the green eyes, at last, he was able to kiss this Mr. Right.
While there was only a short distance between their lips, the image was now suddenly frozen, all the lights up. The boy vanished into steam. The room it turned out not to be a bedroom at all. There were dozens of real humans sitting individually, reading something. One guy looked at Jared with a little sympathy.
‘Quite shocking, right? They’re all robots. And we are all the servants now, from this day, until our last day. Do I like you? No. Do I wanna sleep with you? That’s beside the point. Even if you’re as extremely fabulous as Milo Yiannopoulos, super-Republican, freaking intelligent, no one will lift a finger. We are all trapped in this lounge permanently unless someone who truly likes us saves us from this goddamn chaos. After all, “these violent delights have violent ends.”’ And then, this jock returned to read his alt-right newspapers.
Jared thought he was about to spend the rest of his life and die alone in this temple. However, he had always believed that there was a silver lining behind the oncoming storm. He walked to the windows and closed his eyes. He imagined what it felt like to be free, to dance with a better guy; not with the perfect fabricated guy, but with the ones who could dream.
Wait a second, he thought, who is that dowdy man out there standing across the street staring at me beneath the rain?
And there he was. That guy who was taller than him by 30 centimetres, the sole love of his bright, short life. Trevor.
Both boys smiled.
The recently-released Netflix series “Hot Girls Wanted” makes for some fascinating viewing. Originally a standalone documentary film directed by Rashida Jones (of Parks and Recreation fame), it has now been extended into a full series. The original documentary focused on the pornography industry from the perspective of women involved in it. Perhaps “ensnared” is a better word than “involved” for the specific situations it spotlights – it was some dark stuff at times. This series, by contrast, is exploring a much broader range of themes related to sexuality, gender and how these topics play out in modern society.
Technological progress, in the form of Tinder and other apps, appears to have changed the dating game dramatically. The episode “Love me Tinder” focused on a 40-year-old guy who is pretty much addicted to Tinder (and its ilk) and casual relationships with girls much younger than him. From one perspective, he is perhaps the quintessential fuckboi – a guy who seems incapable of seeing women as anything more than objects of pleasure, and importantly, objects to be discarded when they stop being “fun”. Whether justified or not, this guy seems to believe he now has an effectively endless supply of new partners, and this makes it easy for him to move on to the next one at the first signs of “trouble” (that is, having to actually work on a relationship).
A profound moment in the episode is set against the backdrop of one of his developing relationships with a girl who – unlike many others – challenges him and asserts herself in ways he’s not used to. At one point, he invites her to a party that she can’t attend because she has work. When she asks if he’s drunk, the texts quickly escalate into an argument:
Are you drunk?
It’s not weird to get drunk at a BBQ with friends.
It’s weird when I’m 25, and I’m getting texts from a 40-year-old I’m dating while he’s partying on a Monday. Not trying to sound like a bitch, but does that make sense?
I’m sorry that you feel 40 is too old to have a great time with friends. Hopefully when you reach that age you will still enjoy life like I do.
Whoah, I wasn’t going that route. I’m sorry if I upset you. I like you.
Great to meet you. Wish you the best.
And just like that, the relationship is over. It’s eye-popping how quickly and casually he decides to end it, but in the context of how this guy operates, and in the context of what technology makes possible for him, it makes sense. He can find a new girl to date with ease, so why bother with the ones that talk back? What’s profound about it to me is that he doesn’t seem either willing, or capable (perhaps both) to work through a fight with someone, even just a little one.
But that’s what lasting relationships demand. Whether it’s a three-month thing, a long-term relationship or a lifelong commitment like marriage, relationships inevitably bring conflict. Even the happiest of couples will fight somewhere along the way. How people resolve that tension – how they communicate, how they see their partners, how committed they are to making it past that moment and learning/growing together from it – is a huge determinant of the long term success of that relationship.
What this episode makes me wonder is the following: If a guy never engages in that process, how the hell does he ever learn the difficult work of building a stable, healthy relationship? As the episode suggests, he doesn’t. He remains locked in hollow, permanent adolescence. In this way, the episode serves as a powerful insight into modern masculinity and how it can be shaped by larger structural forces.
In this case, one obvious force is that of technology, which has evidently impacted this individual’s approach to relationships. Yet also, part of how he behaves is arguably driven by structural forces far older than Tinder. For the longest time, men have been socialized, especially by the media, to believe that success as a man can be determined by how many different beautiful women you sleep with, or how many “babes” you have draped on your shoulder. Part of what makes James Bond an icon of masculinity and success is that he has a different, new, and beautiful woman to bed each film.
Such ideas are seemingly on their way out, groaning under the weight of their age and a broad social movement pushing for better representations of both men and women in the media. Yet also, we can see that this old idea has had new life breathed into it, perhaps, by technology that makes it far easier to turn that broken fantasy into a reality.
The episode is a rollercoaster of a story: you pretty much loathe the guy to begin with, and later (perhaps) come to pity him a little. At some point I stopped seeing just a fuckboi, and started seeing a broken man instead. An individual shaped by larger, structural forces that socialized him to believe and value the things he did, and in doing so, offered him the means to create his own gilded prison. That side of the story unsettles me and makes me concerned for this generation’s men. They not only face the same pressures of socialization I did a generation ago, but also the emergence of technology that normalizes it in ways the media never could. They face challenges we should all be mindful of.
Equally, it makes me concerned for this generation’s women. Often posited as the asymmetrically dominant power in the domain of online dating, the episode suggests that they remain vulnerable to mistreatment and that, despite its newness, apps like Tinder can still act as vehicle that lets antiquated, misogynistic ideas about women reappear once again into the modern world.
Comments Off on My Recent Interest In Men’s Rights Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With My Chronic Case Of Foot Fungus, I Assure You
Firstly, I’d like to request that you stop pointing it out as I am very much aware of the social isolation due to this wicked odour. There is no correlation between my newfound interest in MRA forums and this ongoing fungal exile. I have been the unknowing subject of many investigations into the ‘mystery smell’ pervading certain Arndt tutorial rooms and whilst I am legally obligated to apologise to those who had to seek medical treatment, it does not come easy to me.
The mere fact that I may not be a successful romantic due to a microbial infection has no bearing on my astute analysis of the rights of men and women. I have dedicated many hours to pondering over the great thinkers of the Youtube Philosopher generation. They have led me to a conclusion which is in no way influenced by the cloud of rage which hovers over me, choking me in my own noxious gases as my feet re-odorise the tutorial room.
Furthermore, I find people that point it out rather superficial. I am not concerned with the physical plane of interaction, but rather devote my time to higher intellectual pleasures – philosophy, debate, et cetera. I have no time for superficial people. It’s known in the science of biology that only animals of crude nature select their sexual partners based upon physical traits, and that the true aphrodisiacal characteristic of man is his intellect.
Please note that my designation of such people as superficial emerges not from a default position of excessive defensiveness, and if it did, it certainly wouldn’t be because I’m terribly insecure over my extremely stinky feet. I would be happy to engage you in a civil discussion at the digital podium. You can find me online at the ‘ANU Schmidtposting’ (note that I use an anime image as my display picture in order to keep my identity secret). Please give me ample time to respond to your comment, as in between brine-baths for my feet and cross-referencing your points to a home made chart of logical fallacies, I don’t have much time on my hands.
Thanks.
Comments Off on Local Youth Recovers After Risky Tag
Casual observers and invested stakeholders alike have been left astounded by social media behaviour that has been labelled ‘unprecedented’, after Sam Brown, 21, of Daley Road, tagged Amelia Thistlethwaite, 21, of Ainslie, in a video of a baby deer learning how to jump.
Sources close to the pair report that Thistlethwaite was left rattled by the shockingly public act of deeply intimate Facebook tagging. The pair have only been on two half-hearted dates, buffered by slightly-less-than-infrequent, 3 am post-Civic bouts of ‘deeply average’ heterosexual intercourse.
‘I mean, it was completely out of the blue,’ Thistlethwaite reportedly stated. ‘He goes to Johns. He has a stunted man bun. He wears Hawaiian shirts to Mooseheads in winter. I just didn’t think this was his style.’
Thistlethwaite’s concern was compounded by the fact that the tag in question occurred at 7.30 pm on a Friday night, a time roundly described by her mates as ‘unsettlingly family-friendly’.
The wounded Brown received no acknowledgement from Thistlethwaite in the comment section, but plenty of flak from his friends at college dinner. He is preparing to return to his proven method of attracting and securing the interest of women: sending increasingly sporadic flirty bants at uncomfortable hours over ever-more ephemeral means of communication, and generally displaying the emotional range of a sprouting potato.
Ah, Episode 11. Here we go. We open with shots of the Bachelor Mansion, with lots of drone shots to make sure we all know that Channel Ten will Never Really Die and that they still have money.
We cut to the girls having a team huddle in the courtyard. Simone opens her mouth, complains about something and follows it by having a bit of a whinge. Blah blah blah, she never spends time with Matty, blah blah blah, surely today will be Her Chance to talk about Her Connection with Matty.
Osher appears. And uhh HE LOOKS SO GOOD?! That hair, that beard. Honestly, I was very upset at the start of the season when he rocked up with his new fuckboi hairstyle (OshKosh baby you are TOO GOOD FOR THAT) but DAYUM Osh you have grown that bad boy OUT. A little bit of salt n pepper in that beard mmmm yes Osh. Anyway – OshOsh takes some time to explain the concept of a single date because let’s be real, everyone is still confused. Georgia Love 2.0 gets the single date, Simone opens her mouth and whines for a bit. Georgia Love 2.0 pretends to feel guilty.
TO THE SINGLE DATE! Georgia Love 2.0 (I’m going to go with GL2.0 for short) calls the observatory the conservatorium. Matty doesn’t pick up on it, probably because he doesn’t know the difference either. Matty mentions how thinking about GL2.0 gets him ‘excited’. Wink wink wink. He then makes a very astute comment: ‘being in a mansion with all the other ladies, it can start to feel like a competition.’ OoOh, a ComPetiTioN?? YoU dON’T sAY. Honestly.
Anyway, we’re at the observatory. Something about connections, opening up, being guarded etc. etc. etc. Matty has the brilliant idea of going to a psychic to get GL2.0 to open up and reveal her Deeper Feelings. The psychic is Very Accurate in her observations, and I am impressed. This is explained by a shot of Matty slipping the psychic a cheeky 10er under the table.
We transition to night time, and our lovebirds are up in the Telescope Dome. Matty has a ‘special surprise’ for GL2.0. OH I’M SURE YOU DO MATTY, I’M SURE YOU DO. Instead of taking off his pants, it turns out Matty got them a star to name, and oh boy are they struggling. Look, call it Starry McStarface and call it a night. They name the star after their couple name. They have condemned the star to 10 billion years of being bullied by all the other stars.
We have a quick interlude to show what’s going on back at the house. Simone is still whining. We go back to the single date.
The observatory is transformed into a romantic getaway with the simple addition of a couch, 30 pillows, 60 candles and a lot of alcohol. Who knew that a Romantic Atmosphere was so achievable. Blah blah blah GL2.0 talks about being guarded and how amazing ‘this’ is and how amazing Matty is and how she Really Likes him blah blah blah. Somehow this turns Matty on, and they pash for a bit. They keep pashing. They must’ve been really short of content this episode. Finally, they break apart, and Matty pulls a rose out of his butt and gives it to GL2.0. They pash some more.
Ok, quick transition into the Group Date. I’m captivated yet again by Cute Boy Osher looking adorable. I just really hope they pay him well, I really do. Suddenly everyone’s eating donuts, Simone’s eating grass and then she’s talking about her hole being blocked. Everything happened so fast, and I don’t know how we got here. But then – out of the darkness comes the purest thing I have ever heard. OshKoshMyGosh laughs. It is so genuine, so real, and so beautiful. His joy brings me joy. I forget everything at that moment. I am in awe of his happiness. I am bamboozled.
I snap out of it when I hear the words ‘in a game of shameless exploitation’. Ah yes, back to it. I got distracted there. And Oh My Lord they are pinning the heart on the most attractive of Matty’s features. Someone has to chuck a heart on his spicy area. Go the dick, go the dick, go the dick. In an act of brilliance, Simone goes for it. Cobie almost dies on the spot. What’s-her-name Olena the Second calls it his ‘little manhood’. Simone talks explicitly about tight jeans. I am enjoying myself. Osher is NOT impressed by this behaviour. I feel like I’ve let Osher down by finding this funny. Osher reaches for ‘Matty Johnson’s Johnson’, I am breathless. I ship it. Did Osher’s hand just linger on Matty’s groin? I swear it did and you can’t tell me otherwise #Mosher.
Alright, so we keep going and they talk about special things from childhoods. We find out Olena the Second used to cut limbs off her stuffed toy. Simone’s mum pulls the best prank ever by sending her something completely insignificant. Hockeyroo once again proves she is amazing at playing the game by being Matty’s ideal woman. We find out Elora was the horse girl at school. We see shots of Lisa, and I remember that she exists. Poor Lisa, this girl is just too smart to get amongst this goddamn awful show. Hockeyroo wins extra time with Matty. They talk about how great family is, they have a pash.
COCKtail TIME! The girls try to be diplomatic about spending alone time with Matty. They don’t achieve anything. Tara, aka Sausage Queen, continues to prove herself as my favourite by calling the Secret Garden the SEEEKKYYY G. God I love her. More shots of Simone complaining. Shots of Lisa looking confused and uncomfortable. Lisa is all of us if we ever went on this show.
ROSE CEREMONY! What the fuck is happening, I am so confused? Why is everyone standing around? Why does GL2.0 have a rose? Oh, thank god, here’s OshiePie. He’ll explain everything! Osh explains that we’re at a Rose Ceremony and that a ROSE=SAFE and NO ROSE=NOT SAFE. We only have SIX ROSES, Osher gets out a blackboard and starts writing equations. Osher tells us that ONE LADY will GO HOME and everyone’s relieved that he did the math for them. Matty enters, he calls Cobie??? first???? Everyone gets a rose except Simone, and Osh reiterates that NO ROSE=NOT SAFE, so that means Simone is GONE. Matty tells her that she’ll find someone, but for the love of god, it will not be him. Osher is given cash in hand for his hard work. He goes home and bathes his hair in coconut oil for 12 hours. The girls go back to the mansion where Cobie adds a lock of Matty’s hair to her shrine. Lisa rocks herself to sleep, Elora arranges her horse figurines, and GL2.0 practices smiling in the mirror.
Katie has been watching The Bachelor ever since she was old enough to know that it’s complete bullshit. Her favourite Bachelor love story is Osher and himself, and her least favourite was Cool Bananas and everyone. One day, when she grows another foot in height and meets the show’s physical requirements, she’ll be a contestant and win Osher’s heart.
Comments Off on Taking on the Perspective of Others
Probably one of the greatest (yet most underrated) realisations that any of us will ever have is the simple, infantile understanding that others lead their own lives, boast their own stories, and experience their own feelings. These are completely separate to our own. This commonplace epiphany is called the ‘theory of mind’ and, to be perfectly honest, it’s a very ordinary cognitive development that humans go through as toddlers, and most probably don’t give it a second thought. However, it still seems wonderfully implausible that every single person we encounter has an entire life filled with experiences and emotions we know nothing about. This logic applies to nearly everyone – from the strangers we pass by in the supermarket, to our lecturers and tutors, even to our best friends.
The fact that we inherently know so little about each other’s lives means that communication is essential in any social interaction, no matter whom with. This need for communication, and for taking the perspective of others, is what makes the theory of mind so essential. It is the natural precursor to empathy. Only once we understand that others have their own experiences can we possibly share in their joys and burdens.
To be empathetic is to not only comprehend others’ emotions but to feel them too. Like most people, I do my very best to be empathetic. I’ll be the first to acknowledge that I’m a very emotionally sensitive person; I’ve cried in nearly every movie I’ve ever seen and one of my favourite past-times is overthinking. I think that maybe, for this reason, I’m careful to notice emotional signals in other people. These signals are like an unspoken secret language, comprised of behavioural changes and shifts in tone. On the one hand, being attuned to this vernacular can be an incredibly uplifting thing. It’s empathy that makes people’s good moods so contagious, and empathy that leads us to build joyful friendships, based on mutual understanding.
Yet when I moved into a shared accommodation with hundreds of other students my age this year, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the cacophony of emotions that surrounded me constantly. One of my friends once said that at college, it’s impossible to walk for longer than a minute without bumping into someone you know, and I can definitely attest to that. The intimacy of college means that even a short trip to the bathroom is an opportunity to socialise. I’ve seen casual conversations carried out near the bathrooms by towel-sporting neighbours and lengthy discussions in the dining hall while tea cools on a quick ‘study break’ that should’ve ended ten minutes prior.
This social aspect is surprisingly one of my favourite things about where I live. I find the spontaneous, good-natured exchanges that accompany most tasks thoroughly elevating and for this reason, I’ve loved nearly every minute. However, constantly being surrounded by people can come at a cost. I remember during my first month at college, I was walking down my floor’s corridor and heard uncontrollable sobbing on the other side of a door. The name on the door wasn’t one I recognised, but regardless, the sound was, in the true sense of the word, shocking. That moment, albeit small, was a huge wake-up call to the fact that although I was having a wonderful time, others might not be. There have been other moments – times when I’ve realised that the people around me are fighting their own battles. Sometimes, that can be a lot to take on; our moods are incredibly malleable and it’s very easy to absorb somebody else’s stress or sadness and carry it as your own without even realising it.
This is why balance is essential. I believe that empathy is one of the most important parts of what makes us human. Simultaneously, however, in environments where emotions are running high, it’s often essential to pull the focus back onto yourself. Safety demonstrations on airplanes demand that ‘in the unlikely event of an emergency, attend to yourself first, before helping those around you.’ I think this applies to emotional hardships as well. Looking after others is crucial, especially in residential halls and shared accommodations, where the majority of your neighbours are living away from home and building new support networks from scratch. Although we sometimes forget to acknowledge that we’re in more or less the same position and being too open to others’ emotions can be damaging. Empathy, while innate, can be exhausting. This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t care for the wellbeing of the people around us; on the contrary, I think that looking out for others should be prioritised, especially in communal living situations. Rather, we should monitor our own emotions, too. In the words of J. M. Barrie, ‘always be a little kinder than is necessary’ – especially to yourself.
Relationships are complicated and mine is no exception. My partner once considered himself a lesbian, and not in that creepy misogynistic way. When I first met Joel, that wasn’t the only name he was known by. All of his colleagues, and many of his friends and family didn’t yet know that Joel was transgender. Joel has a female body but considers himself, and is known and read by others now, as a man. We are seen by many of our friends, neighbours and strangers as a ‘straight’ couple, but according to the Government, we’re lesbians. How Joel and I consider our identities as a couple is sometimes crystal clear and sometimes it’s like mud.
Isaiah Berlin argues that identity only matters when it is in conflict. Indeed, everyone’s discovery of their sexuality or gender identity is born within a maze of relationships, families, workplaces, and friendships. Some people are offered a map out, and some just have to figure it out themselves. Identity means a lot to Queer* people because they usually have to fight for it. Being L, G, B, T, I or Q is often a huge part of the way Queer* people recognise and identify themselves (hello undercuts, birkenstocks, and lentils). This stranglehold on sexuality or gender ‘identity’ is something we don’t share so much with our heterosexual or cis-gender counterparts.
Not long before Joel and I met, I had just been through a break-up with my boyfriend and somehow fallen for the Queen of all Queers. I knew immediately that I did not want to ‘come out’ because I felt I had never been in the closet. I come from a very supportive family and have loads of awesome allies as mates. Nothing was ever going to be hidden from them. Anyone who knows me knows I just can’t keep a juicy secret like that to myself! More importantly though, for me, my non-heteronormative sexuality is something that is constantly developing, not something I was born with. I don’t believe this makes my sexuality a ‘choice’ as such. But I also don’t think that choosing to be gay or lesbian or whatever else should be seen as a negative thing to choose. If I had realised earlier that I could be living this lifestyle it would be have been rainbows and glitter from day one! Being Queer* is the most liberating feeling I’ve ever felt and I have developed so much as a person over the last eighteen months. But, that’s not to say it’s been very easy.
It has been a challenge for me to start imagining myself as a Queer* person and then to find myself in a serious relationship with a dude. It’s especially complicated because parts of our relationship have been just like a lesbian couple. It was like the bowl of marshmallows had been given to me and then, although I knew it was to happen, taken away – like a subject in the Mischel experiment. In Cube we get dirty looks, but outside, we can kiss with no fear of homophobic slurs. My dad thinks we are a ‘de facto’ couple having lived together for just a month, but my brother has been simply ‘living with his girlfriend’ for over a year. My ex says he is concerned, not because he thinks I am a lesbian in disguise, but that his friends do. We kind of live in some loved up limbo. It is clear to me that this idea of ‘identity’ is not just about how you see yourself, but how those around you understand you.
Amongst Queer* theorists, there is the concept of Queer* time which explains how Queer cultures have developed new ways of tracking the passing of time in their lives with wedding anniversaries, children’s birthdays, and often the other celebrations of traditional family not available to them. Joel and I may be a ‘straight’ couple, but we can’t get married. In some states, we can’t adopt, or get IVF treatment. In many ways we are subjected to the same oppression that other Queer* couples encounter, but don’t fit into the same boxes. Like a lesbian couple, for years we may have to rethink how we celebrate our milestones and develop as a family all while seeming, to most, like your average ‘straight’ couple.
Although we may be just as frustrated at these circumstances as our lesbian and gay friends, Joel and I like being Queer*. Each day is an opportunity for us to explore what that means for us as a couple and as individuals. How others and how we may one day see ourselves is unpredictable and complicated but will never be dull.
Comments Off on Relationships: One Christian’s Perspective
When it comes to relationships, you’d be right to think that Christians are a little different. I’ve had many curious questions from friends about the fact that Christians often don’t have sex before they’re married. Many people feel that Christians are unusually focused on marriage. I’ve also had friends challenge the idea in the Bible that wives should submit to their husbands, as they feel this is sexist. There has been a lot of debate about whether Christians oppose gay marriage and if Christians are homophobic.
So what DO Christians think about relationships? One thing that is important to remember when discussing anything about religion is that there isn’t just one perspective – not all Christians believe the same thing. I want to share with you my own views on relationships. There will be people who disagree with me – Christians and non-Christians alike. But these questions aren’t black and white, the Bible isn’t always crystal clear about relationships (for example, dating was foreign in Biblical times), and people interpret it in different ways. This is my interpretation, and these are my thoughts.
The most important thing for me when I think about relationships is the centrality of Jesus. That might sound odd, but imagine for a moment that you believe there is a God and he became man in order to save humanity from the death and destruction that is eating it away. (I know that for some of you that will be a stretch, but just go with me for a second!) If you really believe this is true and that you could have a personal relationship with the God of the universe who loves you intimately, wouldn’t that influence every facet of your life? As Christians, we believe Jesus is God and, although he is incredibly powerful, he wants to be part of our individual lives. For us, that is an offer that we can’t refuse. We want Jesus to be the centre of our lives, and thus Jesus is central in our relationships as well.
But what on Earth does that mean?! For me, it means when I’m dating a guy, our common focus is Jesus. Obviously our relationship is about getting to know each other and enjoying each other’s company, but ultimately we constantly remember Jesus because we want his wisdom and involvement in our relationship. For example, I don’t want to have sex before I’m married because I believe God intended sex for marriage, and therefore sex will be best in that committed relationship. It’s my personal decision, motivated by my desire for great sex and my belief in God’s ultimate wisdom shared with us in the Bible.
I’d also like to put it out there that I’m a feminist. If I’m going to date a guy, he should be prepared to be equal in our relationship. And I see no conflict with the Bible here. I think the Bible is clear that God created both man and woman, He loves men and women equally, and in Jesus we are all one (Genesis 1:27; Galatians 3:28). I believe that sexism has no place in the church or in relationships because Jesus loves all people equally. On that note, I just want to mention that the equality of Jesus’ love extends to all people, regardless of sexual orientation. If Jesus loves me deeply, he also loves my gay friends. There are a lot more issues at stake in the gay marriage debate and honestly, I don’t feel I have fully grasped them all. But what I constantly want to keep at the forefront of my mind in all these discussions is the love of Jesus.
Ultimately, I don’t need to get married to be fulfilled or to live a ‘good Christian life’. I find my worth in the fact that the God of the universe loves me. As I said before, if you assume just for a moment that the basic premises of Christianity are true – that there is a God, that he came to earth in human form, and that he died and rose from the dead to save me from death – it is pretty amazing and life changing. No human – family, friends, or lover – can love me as much as God does. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for your friends, and I believe that Jesus has done that for me (John 15:13). So ultimately wherever I end up, whatever my relationship status, Jesus will be with me, loving me more than I could ever imagine. That’s the best relationship I’ll ever be in.
Comments Off on Not So Straight: Some Queer Tips For Straight Relationships
Relationships come in all sorts of complex styles and configurations from the long, romantic partnership to the short, passionate one-night stand. Now if there is one group that knows a thing or two about complexities, it’s the Queer* (LGBTIQAP*) community. The Queers have been at the forefront of exploring not just sexuality, but the very nature of relationships. Trust, dialogue and spice in the bedroom are some of the best queer tips I’ve picked up (for more, I’d highly recommend Hardy and Easton’s The Ethical Slut).
If we are going to start anywhere with relationships, then we have to be honest, both with others and ourselves. Almost every queer person at some point in their life has had to grapple with themselves, with their identity and their attractions. The first step to coming out is acceptance, loving yourself before you can begin to truly love others. And there is no reason why this does not extend to everyone. We all have different wants and needs and it is important to acknowledge these. As most of us are still curious, young adults we may be more interested in casual fun than intense, romantic relationships. Some people who do want relationships want somebody to look after them, whereas others see a relationship as more of an equal partnership. Ultimately it is up to you what you want, but it is crucial that you maintain honesty to have a healthy relationship.
On a practical level being honest in a relationship means engaging in the most excruciatingly difficult act of all: communicating. If the stereotype exists of lesbians talking about their feelings too much or of the gays congregating to gossip, it’s because active communication works. Too often we bottle up our feelings and won’t actually voice to our partners our problems. Of course confronting these problems requires tact and it is best to focus on particular behaviours of your partner that you don’t like, and actively talk about how it makes you feel. There is a big difference between “I feel you spend more time on your friends than with me, and it makes me feel unwanted” compared to “YOU spend more time with your friends than me”. The latter is an attack and makes a judgement about your partner that is actually just your subjective opinion.
A deep relationship requires honest, open communication if it is going to overcome inevitable obstacles. These two general principles, honesty and communication, can be practiced in all our relationships, from friends, to family, to loved ones. Too often we forget that our relationships with friends and family require just as much tender loving care as our romantic and sexual relationships.
One final piece of advice from a queer to you on relationships is to keep things interesting is in the bedroom. Too often we get caught up in the idea that sex and intimacy are the same thing, yet there are a whole host of ways in which you can deepen your connections with a partner that don’t involve sex. After all not all gay guys have anal, lesbians are still wondering where the hell this ‘scissoring’ nonsense came from, and our queer* community includes an A for asexuality, or those who do not have strong desire for sex. Exploring each other’s bodies through touch, finding what pleasure and sensations one can elicit without having sex outright; these can go a long way in improving connections and intimacy with a partner. Of course this kind of exploration can run the other way towards ‘kinkier’ explorations too. It may not be for everyone, but mixing things up in the bedroom can both make relationships more exciting and more intimate. These ideas will by no means fix relationships or guarantee their success, but hopefully they will make for a gay old time whilst you try.